Friday, July 28, 2006

The Subordinate

Category: Clinical Rotations

I'm tired of trying to be impressive and wonderful. I'm tired of being bossed around by interns, residents, and attendings.

I know that I still have a few years to go of trying to be impressive and brilliant. I have a few years of being bossed around, though the number of "bosses" I have will slowly diminish as I ascend the ranks and finally achieve the title of Almighty Attending Physician. I realize that even then I will have to do things I don't want to do, that some silly rules will always be hanging over my head that I have to follow, but I'm not talking about those types of things. I'm talking about always having to arrange my notes the way the someone else likes them, use drugs that someone else prefers, run tests that other people think are necessary. Oh, I realize that I'm still in the learning process - sometimes I have no idea what drug to use or what test to run or what course of action to take. Thank God for my "bosses" who know what they're doing, because there are times when I certainly do not. But as I progress, I do learn. I'm learning how I like to document things, and which medicines I think work well, and which tests and procedures I think are necessary. I know I don't know everything, but I am gaining confidence in some capacity, and sometimes I wish I could skip right to the end and be the boss.

I doubt I'm alone in this feeling, but it certainly didn't come quickly. I spent most of my third year feeling very dumb. But now as a fourth year I'm feeling much smarter. In internship I'm sure I'll be feeling dumber than ever again. Maybe that's the magical cure for Fourth Year Boss Syndrome.

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